Taylor is amazing. He's everything I've ever wanted. I wish I would have met him before I met Jared. Now I'm stuck on Jared, which won't even allow me to be with Taylor.

Taylor is what I want.

I'd marry him.

Everyone says that, I know. But seriously. He would be the best husband ever. I'm very confident in knowing he'd never do anything to upset me and we'd live happily ever after.

I wish I didn't have to upset him.  He shouldn't have to hear about my Jared bullshit. I have no idea why I can't forget Jared. Taylor has done everything right in order for me to do so.

Taylor would do anything to not hurt me,
while Jared lives to do so.

I love Jared, though. After all the painful things he's done... I still love him. It was real with him. I wish it wasn't.

I got over Jordan after a while. I think it took around 3 months for me to do that.

It's been 5 months now, and I show no signs of getting over Jared.

The kid just meant too much to me. I'd do anything for him.

I've created this journal and plan on adding no friends at all. I just wanted a space to tell how I feel without actually telling someone. This year has been all about me keeping my feelings in for the most part. I kind of like it that way. I sort of trick myself into thinking I'm fine.

Which I am. There are so many worse problems in the world than the problems I face.

I just have a big heart, and I've never felt something as worse as seeing the one I love with all my heart, love someone else.

Which I've done. But him and his girlfriend are over now. He left the one he loved for the one he liked, and she left him for the one she loved.

Karma, yeah.

I'm just still not happy. I need some consistency in my life. Jared and I were together for a year and a couple months or so. I thought it'd last a lot longer than that.

He called me last weekend, to tell me he still loves me.

Thus, I broke up with Taylor. Not to get back together with Jared, just because what Jared told me made me realize how much I still love him.

Damn that Jared boy.

Damn him to Hell.

But not really, because I love him. He is a good person, he's just been going through a lot of changes this year. Not so much good ones. He was homecoming king. I couldn't even be there to hug his guts out when he found out. Instead, I got a rude awakening that he was someone elses. His [then] girlfriend posted a picture of her and him, with his king hat on, while she was kissing his cheek. 

Stabbed me right in the heart.

I'm sick of love not working for me.

Granted, I'm only 18 years old. But still. I want to get married so that I don't have to deal with this dating bullshit. I'm sick of having my heart stomped on.

It's funny, because the boys that stomp on my heart seem to come back to me saying that they're sorry and love me.

It kind of makes me feel not so bad about myself. I told myself I was a horrible person after Jordan, but he came back, a year later, and told me that I was the real deal for him, and that he missed me.

Jared told me last weekend that I was "it". He just didn't know it at the time. He had to date a girl that sucked at giving him happiness in order to find that out.

Taylor knows I'm a good person. Right from the get-go. He's always known.

I love him to death. He is the most amazing boy I've ever met.

None of this makes sense. Why won't I just let Jared go? I need to. I tell myself that every day.

As bad of an idea as this may sound, I think I need to hang out with Jared to see if those feelings really are still there, or if I'm living in the past. He called me yesterday and told me we will hang out. I don't know if he's lying.

I saw him Saturday night. It felt so good to hug him for like 20 minutes long. I just don't even know if he's the same boy I fell for anymore. & the faster I hang out with him and figure that out, the faster I might be able to try and make Taylor take me back.

I love being treated like a princess. I love Taylor.

Go away, Jared. Go away.